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1 day ago
Friday, November 12, 2010
Lonely
I have felt so lonely lately. Part of it is all my fault. I am not good at seeking out situations where I could socialize. I want to, I just don't. I feel "safe" at home, so I stay there...and complain about it! I was a member of a group of moms and they were so good to us when Gage was sick. After he died, I stayed away for an entire year. Recently, I was brave and went to an activity of theirs and was so disappointed at what I heard. Most of the moms were complaining about how HARD it is to be a mom...and especially how hard it is to be a mom of more than one. They decided to have a psychotherapist come to their meeting and talk to them about how stressful, hard, DEPRESSING it is to be a stay at home mom. Wow. I was completely speechless. I know that it's not always wonderfully exciting to be a mom. It CAN be stressful and hard. But really? So, I felt WAY out of place. And I will admit that two years ago, I may have been involved in this awful conversation. But I have lived an entire lifetime since then. A lifetime of worry, heartache, hell. So I don't feel like I belong with this group anymore. So where do I go? Who wants me now...that I am different...BITTER...cry easily...get my feelings hurt easily...anger easily...AHHHH!!! Most of my true friends live in other states. There is really nobody that I can call and say "hey, you want to go to dinner, a movie, the park, for a walk, ANYWHERE?" There are really only 2 or 3 people that actually call me. What happened to me? I want friends. I need friends. Don't I deserve friends? Do I expect too much of them? Do I make them feel awkward when I talk about Gage? I do include him in my conversations with other moms. I need to reach out more to the babyloss community online. There are so many moms who feel the same things I do. I see where some of them meet up and I feel so jealous. It would be so nice to talk to someone who KNOWS. Who would ask me questions about my Gage. But I need other friends too. I realize that this has been one big pity party. I apologize to anyone who is actually reading this! I am thankful for the new group of ladies that I have been adopted by. They are great and have included Emily in their playgroup, which is great for her. And for me:)
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3 comments:
You and I sound very much alike in the not reaching out and complaining about not having friends. My husband is always on my case about needing to call someone, and to stop whining. I find myself wishing I had friends too but how to go about it is almost scary to me. Why is it the older we get the harder it is to find somewhere to fit in. I hope you are able to find someone locally who can be a great friend, we all deserve that.
I have never lost a baby but I did hold my daughter's hand while she was going through her miscarriage. Different than the loss you suffered but painful none the less. I feel your pain of feeling that you have no one to do anything with or to be able to talk freely to about Gage. I get all kinds of weird looks when someone asks about my grandchildren and I speak the truth ... "I have three wonderfully beautiful grandson here on earth and a grandchild in Heaven that I will get to meet someday." It's true and I would love to have someone that I could talk to about the baby I never got to meet. He/She is real. Even though their little life hear on earth was not meant to be, my love for the child I never met was no less than my love for the boys I cherish dearly every day.
I wish we lived close so we could share with each other ... I would love to be your friend and lend you my shoulder to cry on when you needed one, my ear to listen when you need to talk, my heart to understand what you are going through ... any my little boys to play with Gage's little brother and be there for him when he is older and wants a friend to talk to about his brother in Heaven.
You are in my thoughts and prayer and thank you for sharing your sons here. They are precious and it's very easy to see they do not lack in love.
Oh Mary...... You sound so much like me. Losing a child really changes you, and how you see everything in this world. I've very much prefered to be alone since Losing Freja because I too find it so hard to relate to others who haven't been through this devastation. Time and time again, I am blown away by things that come out of people's mouths when I do socialize.
BTW, I was matched up with you for the Holiday Ornament swap. I'm really looking forward to being able to make something special for your sweet Gage. He is such a sweet boy, and my heart breaks that we had to meet this way.
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