Irony, etc.

I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep when I had a ton of thoughts flood my mind. So I decided to share. Aren't you lucky?! These are just random thoughts...so bear with me:)

When Gage was very sick, we got TONS of get well cards...and we read and loved every one of them. One of them, however, has never left my mind. The sender had written "God will heal Gabe!" at the bottom. I'm not sure who Gabe is, or if he, in fact, was healed. I hope so. I hope Gabe is running and laughing it up right now. But my GAGE was not healed. He died anyway. Another person called and said "God will not let your baby die." That's a pretty dangerous thing to say my friends. If God does exist, how does anyone know what He will or will not do? Anyway, she was wrong. Very, very wrong. I wonder what she thought after he died. Or if she did at all...

Gage died because he had an infection in his central line. The central line he would have died without. The central line that allowed him to get so many transfusions, his chemo, his cord blood transplant, his anti-rejection meds....everything. He HAD to have it...but it killed him. He developed an infection...a blood infection which turned him septic. Which let to me driving down the road frantically trying to get him to breathe while he was going into cardiac arrest...which led to the worst week of my life...and then to letting him go.

I had to get his medical records last week to send to the pharm. company we are working with. I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I thought they would be in order of his life...but they were opposite. The first page was his "death summary". It took my breath away to see the most personal, private moments of my life written out in unloving medical language. I learned a few things that surprised me. Things I knew deep inside but weren't willing to let myself think. What a shitty week.

I went through his cedar chest tonight. Of course everything has lost it's Gage smell now that it's been in that box. But it was so nice to again see how lovingly my husband had organized everything. I probably would have dumped it all in there and slammed the lid closed, but Charlie had carefully folded clothes and organized everything in a nice arrangement. I played the music on some of his toys. I bawled. There is one song that is only in my head and I am terrified of forgetting it. Gage had a mobile in his hospital room that he LOVED. I would wind that thing up countless times a day and it played a little song. A song I have never heard before or since. So I have to keep playing it in my head. I am going to be soooo heartbroken if I ever forget it. Sometimes I will just randomly panic and make myself play it in my head so I won't forget. Can I say how much I HATE being a grieving mother?!?!!? It FUCKING SUCKS. There...I said it.

Gagey, I am trying. So hard. Please please please visit me in my dreams. Mommy misses you. Your brother is sooo adorable and I know you have seen him. Sometimes he smiles and talks over my shoulder...I think he sees you. I love you beanbob. Forever, Mommy