Terrible Plans

Two years ago on this day we had the care meeting for Gage. Which basically consisted of a lot of doctors telling us and showing us terrible things. Asking hard questions. I took one of my favorite pictures of Gage and made them all look at it, so that they would know that Gage was not just the lifeless being laying in the PICU. He was a real boy and we had real hopes and dreams for him. We were faced with making end of life decisions for our child. We had to fucking decide when he would die. Would we choose to let him stay in that state for an indefinite amount of time...just to watch his body tense so much that they had to administer morphine just because we caressed his face? Or would we choose to enter our own personal hell that would last the rest of our lives to ease our baby's suffering? Of course, there was no choice for us. As parents, we must do what is right for out children, no matter how much heartache it means for us. So after the meeting, I drove back to the RMH, went up to the library, closed the door, and called a funeral home. That was a moment I feel like I was outside my body, watching myself in disbelief as I said "We are taking our baby off life support tomorrow...can you help us?"

Then we went back to the hospital and told Gage the plan. Told him how sorry we were. Told him about all the people that would be waiting for him in Heaven. That we would see him again someday. That we would miss him and think of him every day for the rest of our lives. But I mostly sobbed that I was so so sorry. We read him books. Especially the Velveteen Rabbit, which became so very special to us. I have a tattoo of the Velveteen Rabbit for Gage now. At the end where the stuffed bunny becomes a real rabbit...I told Gage it was time for him to go and be a real boy. Without tubes and wires and medicines and machines and surgeries. Run and play. Laugh. Never have another tummy ache. Go where he could feel the sun on his face and the wind in his hair. Then we spent the night making plans for his celebration of life service...and how we would tell Emily that her baby brother was gone. We tried to prepare ourselves for the next day when we would tell Gagey goodnight for the last time.

Gage...I am in misery. I miss you. Remembering the details from these days makes my heart hurt in every way. I can feel it's brokenness. I am so sorry. I miss you. I love you. Mommy