I desperately need to clean out the cabinets in our kitchen. They are all so unorganized. Especially the cabinet that holds sippy cups, spoons, and other stuff for the kids. I have been putting this one off for...oh say 2 years. Tucked in the back right hand side of that cabinet is a 2 pack of Gerber sweet potatoes. They have long expired. But I cannot yet allow myself to throw them away. Gage never really ate from a spoon, we did not want to stress him out any more than we had to, so we put sweet potatoes in his milk and he LOVED it. We did try a few times to spoon feed him, but he was unimpressed. And my thoughts were, you have been through chemo and a transplant...I will make life as easy as I can for you:) Over the past two years, I have thrown different things of his away that have gone bad...or I have thrown them out in a fit of anger. Of course, his toys and clothes and books are safely tucked away in various places. We have tons of pictures of him displayed and a curio cabinet filled with precious memories of him. So why can't I throw away 2 year old sweet potatoes that visibly have gone bad? Ones that are hiding so far away that Charlie doesn't even know about? Because if I am being honest...for a few months after he died when I was still completely in shock...I still had this unreal hope that he would come back. That somehow maybe just maybe oh please this was just a nightmare and when he got home he would be hungry and want his sweet potatoes. So yes, I will admit it to you, I was saving them for him. Just in case. And after I started coming out of the fog and realized that this wasn't a nightmare...this was real...I still kept them. And I still keep them. I don't have an answer anymore and my original answer would probably only make sense to another mother who has lost a child. But I just can't throw them out. Even though they are way back in the back of the cabinet...I know they are there...and it is another way to validate that Gage was real. He was my baby. He loved sweet potatoes. And I wonder if they know how to make his sweet potato milk in Heaven.
Mommy is really missing you alot today sweetpea. Emily started Kindergarten. And Sam is learning to pull up on things. I bet you are so proud of them. I love you. Forever, Mommy
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4 comments:
you keep them because they bring you some comfort, and that is all that matters. whatever you need to keep/not keep to help you "adjust" to life without Gage, is what must be done. period. sending you love.
I totally understand this. But to be honest, it doesn't really matter if I, or anyone else, understands. I don't think anyone can ever know how painful it is to get rid of your child's food. To just throw it away. I think it will take as long as you need it to!
It sounds very familiar to me.. holding on to things that mean so much to you that no one else will every understand. Keep them if you need to whose to say you cant. Praying for you always especially today!! Much love mama
your comment on my blog brought me here. i am so sorry about your beautiful gage. the injustice at him beating the disease to succumb to an infection - it makes my heart hurt for you so deeply. i think what you are doing with gifts from gage is remarkable, and i know it makes him very proud.
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